Psychologist explains why you attract abusers and names hidden sign of 'victim'
Why a woman attracts abusers into her life and how to get rid of this (photo: Getty Images)
We are used to looking for the reasons for relationship failures in fatal luck or karma. However, psychologists say that toxic partners do not appear in your life by chance — they choose those whose internal boundaries are easiest to break.
What hidden trait makes us vulnerable to manipulators, and how to stop being a convenient target for someone else's aggression, explains Olena Dorohavtseva, Ukrainian special psychologist and art therapist at the Nezlamna Mental Recovery Center of the Masha Foundation.
What makes you attract abusers?
When it comes to abuse, it is important to dot the i's from the very beginning. Olena Dorohavtseva emphasizes that most victims of abusers share one common trait.
"We often hear that abusers are 'attracted' to people with certain internal attitudes. The hidden sign of a victim is low self-esteem and a tendency toward self-blame, which creates fertile ground for manipulation. The phrasing 'you attract abusers' sounds as if the responsibility is entirely on you. And here it is important to immediately emphasize: the abuser is always responsible for their own behavior," the psychologist stresses.
But if the responsibility lies with the aggressor, then what depends on us? The psychologist explains that certain internal patterns make a person more vulnerable, and these are precisely the ones that can be changed.
Hidden trait we consider a "virtue"
Interestingly, what we call kindness and patience is a signal for action for an abuser.
"Psychologists often talk not about 'victim' as a personality trait, but about the habit of ignoring oneself for the sake of others. This can look very 'right' and even beautiful: you are patient, empathetic, know how to support, ready to 'understand and forgive.' But there is a nuance: your own needs are systematically pushed aside. This leads to constant justification of others' aggression, lack of clear personal boundaries, tolerating control and manipulation," the expert explains.
An abuser works like a radar: he scans whether you will endure, whether you will start making excuses for him instead of saying a firm no. If you try to make things more convenient, he gets the signal that he can go further.
How to break the old pattern
To stop attracting toxic people, you need to change your internal settings. The psychologist offers specific steps:
- Develop self-worth. Write down your achievements and seek support in healthy relationships.
- Learn to set boundaries. Remember: "no" is a complete answer that needs no explanation.
- Process traumas. Working with a specialist will help break behavior patterns that stem from childhood.
- Focus on yourself. Ask yourself more often: "What do I want?" and "Am I comfortable right now?"
"Important thought: You are not a 'magnet for abusers.' It's just that for now, you are used to enduring more than protecting yourself. And this is not a life sentence – it is a skill that can be changed," adds Olena Dorohavtseva.
