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Psychologist explains why people choose cold, emotionally unavailable partners

Psychologist explains why people choose cold, emotionally unavailable partners Why people choose cold, emotionally unavailable partners (Freepik)

People often choose emotionally unavailable partners with whom it's unrealistic to build strong and healthy relationships. The reasons often lie in many factors, including the attitudes of parents in early childhood, according to psychologist Svitlana Oliynyk.

Reasons for such choices lie in childhood

If you lived in a family where:

  • you constantly felt lonely
  • you weren't hugged
  • with no warm words
  • parents were cold and constantly busy

"Meeting someone similar now, it will seem normal to you, and there may be a feeling - 'this is mine, it's familiar - I should take it'," explains the psychologist.

Constant self-blame

  • you constantly feel guilty in relationships and blame yourself
  • convinced that everything depends on you
  • sincerely believe that you can build relationships with anyone
  • always try to change yourself

"You don't take into account that relationships involve two people and it's not about you at all, but about the partner's characteristics," says Oliynyk.

You tend to read into other people's minds

  • if you tend to read into others
  • see something in the looks or silence of others
  • know for sure that someone is offended/mad/in love with you without asking them

"Often this knowledge has nothing to do with the inner world of this person, so 'cold' and distant people are perfect for your projections," says the psychologist.

How to change if such behavior is typical for you

"You need to determine what partner you need and write down their characteristics so as not to forget. You should stop believing that the partner will change. If a person says during acquaintance that they don't want a relationship - just move on," advises Oliynyk.

She also recommends having a new experience - meeting new people, going for coffee, not with your usual type.

Seek a specialist's help if you can't break out of the pattern you've been using for many years.

Also, read about how to overcome your inner critic and how to get rid of catastrophic thinking.