Are you controlling your loved ones? This hidden fear might explain why
How the desire to control everything and everyone can ruin our lives (photo: Getty Images)
The urge to keep everything under control often feels like a strength. We're used to thinking that if we can predict, check, and organize everything, life will become safe. Controlling deadlines, finances, children, emotions, and the future. But excessive control doesn't stem from calmness—its root is anxiety.
Ukrainian psychotherapist Natalia Harina told RBC-Ukraine how to recognize the destructive power of overcontrol and why we try to manage what is beyond our reach.
Roots of control: Why this need arises
When childhood was full of instability, criticism, or unpredictability, the psyche concludes: to survive, you must control everything. This strategy often carries over into adulthood, even when the real threat no longer exists.
How control destroys different areas of life
Excessive care and checking often mask deep fears. Psychologists highlight three main areas where control becomes toxic:
In relationships. This shows up as constant monitoring, jealousy, or a desire to know every detail.
"Beneath the mask of care often hides the fear of loss. But the more we control, the less trust and intimacy there is," emphasizes the psychologist.
At work. Control appears as an inability to delegate, perfectionism, or the belief that "without me, everything will fall apart." The result: overwork and burnout.
Towards oneself. Control manifests as an inner critic that doesn’t allow mistakes or rest.
Paradox of uncontrollability
The paradox is that we try to control what is actually beyond our power: other people, future events, and economic processes. At the same time, we ignore what we can truly control—our own reactions, decisions, and boundaries.
"Freedom is not about managing everything. It’s about being ready to tolerate uncertainty and trust yourself. True confidence and inner stability arise not when everything is under control, but when we know that even if something goes off plan, we will handle it," explains Natalia Harina.
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This material is for informational purposes only and should not be used for medical diagnosis or self-treatment. Our goal is to provide readers with accurate information about symptoms, causes, and methods of detecting diseases. RBС-Ukraine is not responsible for any diagnoses that readers may make based on materials from the resource. We do not recommend self-treatment and advise consulting a doctor in case of any health concerns.
