You’re just not that into them: One line that ends it painlessly

Why it’s worth being honest

Avoiding the conversation, disappearing, ignoring or making up excuses ("I’m not ready", "things are complicated") often humiliates more than a calm and direct refusal.

Someone who dared to show interest in you deserves a respectful response.

What works: short, unambiguous, without false hopes.
What doesn’t work: empty diplomacy, mixed signals, avoidance.

“Here’s an example. The person is nice. Kind. Laughs at your jokes, texts first, suggests meeting up. But you don’t feel it. It’s not there. Everything seems fine, but it’s just not your thing. And you start thinking: ‘Maybe give it a chance? What if something changes?’ But at the same time – you leave their messages on read, give long gaps between replies, answer with dry ‘yeahs’. Because saying ‘I’m not into you’ feels scary. And staying silent feels wrong. So what do you do?” says expert.

First - don’t drag it out

The longer you play the “maybe later” game, the more illusions the other person builds. And the harder it is to explain later.

Second - speak directly, but respectfully

Without accusations or judgments. Just be honest: “You’re a great person, but I don’t feel what I need to continue this”, “It was nice getting to know you, but there’s no chemistry.”

Third - don’t take responsibility for someone else’s emotions

“Yes, it might hurt. But honesty is better than dragging it out. This isn’t about being ‘the bad guy’ or ‘cold-hearted’. It’s about healthy clarity and boundaries,” says Vitalii Kursik.

He adds that honesty and openness, your firm ‘no’, is also an act of respect – to yourself and to the other person. Because no one deserves to be a backup option.

Be honest, but kind

There’s no need to come up with complicated stories, but raw, overly detailed “truth” can be destructive. Focus on your feelings and your decision, not the other person’s flaws.

Use 'I' statements

Speak from your own experience: your feelings, your decision, your needs – not about what’s wrong with them. That helps avoid blame.

Avoid accusations

Don’t say “you’re too much this or that”, “I don’t like how you…” The focus should be on incompatibility or lack of the necessary feelings on your side.

Be clear, but avoid excessive detail

Don’t give false hope, but also don’t go into petty details that might feel like criticism. “Not really into it” is a valid feeling – you don’t need to break it down.

Pick the right time and place

Talk in person (if possible), in a calm and private setting where no one will interrupt.

Show respect

Even if the feelings aren’t there, you can still respect the person for who they are, the time you shared, and their attitude towards you.

Phrases you can use

"You’re great, but we’re on different vibes"
A universal line - clear, polite, and without blame.

"I respect you, but I’m not feeling what’s important for a relationship"
Works well when someone expects more than you’re ready to give.

"I don’t see our connection developing"
A calm way to end things without blame.

"I want to be honest: romantic feelings didn’t arise"
Emotionally direct, closes the door to false hope.

"I’m not ready for a relationship in this format"
If someone expects more, and you see only friendship – this draws a clear line.

What to say if it’s a colleague, friend or acquaintance

Colleague:
"I really value our work together, but I want to be clear that I don’t see our relationship in a romantic context."

Friend:
"You’re dear to me as a friend, but I don’t feel anything more, and I don’t want to send mixed signals."

Acquaintance:
"You’re a good person, but I don’t see potential for anything more between us."

What you definitely shouldn’t say

• "Let’s stay friends" (if you don’t mean it – don’t lie)
• "I’m just not ready for a relationship" (because that gives hope it might happen later)
• "It’s not you, it’s me" (classic excuse that often sounds false)