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Psychologist explains why we don't understand our desires

Psychologist explains why we don't understand our desires Why we don't understand our desires (photo: Getty Images)

The lack of understanding of one's own desires often accompanies adults and entails many problems, mostly those related to society.

Why exactly we fail to understand our desires, according to psychologist Oleksandr Tsurkan.

Why we don't understand our desires

Everyone in childhood heard certain instructions at times when they simply didn't know what to do or when we were forbidden to do what we wanted, and our hobbies, desires, interests, etc., were devalued.

With such phrases, they instilled in you that:

You need to constantly be engaged in something useful. Then they won't bother you, won't scold you, and will seem to consider you good. The problem is that tasks never end, and any rest or relaxation starts to be interpreted as laziness.

There are right and wrong activities. Studying and helping parents are right, while games, dreams, drawing, cutting, weaving – are a waste of time. This is how you lose contact with yourself and understanding of your desires and interests.

You can't relax; you always have to be ready. Because at any moment, parents might come in, check what you're doing, and scold you. Hence, stress, tension, and fear that they will find out everything now, that you are not good enough.

"As a result, even in adulthood, you cannot allow yourself to take a nap during the day, peacefully read a book, not answer a call, or come up with something to do on the weekend or in life in general," the psychologist notes.

He also added that your stress is caused by the anxiety of doing something wrong and the fear that others will be disappointed in you and come to the conclusion that you are a bad person.

The presence of fear and anxiety is a signal of some unresolved childhood trauma, the repetition of which you are afraid of even now.

Fear and anxiety are the fastest things to get rid of in therapy. It doesn't require years of work; it's enough to find and understand the key childhood event that traumatized you (scolding, hitting, keeping you in tension, insulting, disappointing). Once you do that, the trauma heals and stops affecting your current life.